Gone
by Raelyn-Mage
Summary: The Sino-Soviet split is harder on Ivan than anyone thought. With his mind entrenched in battle, his heart is waging a war with his memories of the past. YaoxIvan ChinaxRussia Yaoi


RaeLyn: I am here to give you your dose of angst! Remember, I do not own these characters!

Gone...

Ivan stared at his hands, covered in blood. Another bout with Yao left them both bloodied and longing. Ivan knew this was what it was coming to a long time ago. He knew that look in Yao's eyes. He'd seen that gleam for decades. He'd even helped put that gleam there. Ivan knew he was the one that had taken the gentle man under his wing and turn him into something harder, fiercer, angrier. Sometimes, Ivan almost wished he'd let Kiku take Yao and do whatever with him. At least, then the fights would not hurt so much.

Ivan knew that Yao was leaving. He knew it and fought to keep him. But the words turned to screams and the screams turned to blows. The bedroom that once held so many memories of love and ecstasy, now was covered in lies and blood. Ivan peeled off his coat and let the bloodied item fall where it would. Grimacing, Ivan looked down at his torso. His shirt clung to the wounds that Yao had given him.

Tears began to well up in his eyes. Ivan balled up his fists and scrubbed at his eyes. He stomped to the bath room, taking off his boots and socks, Ivan climbed into the shower in his pants and shirt. Turning on the water, Ivan stood there and let his mind wander.

_Yao sat on the ground. Blood ran in rivers from the many cuts on his body. Gun clutched loosely in hand. He looked like he'd all but given up. Ivan looked upon the small Asian. He could see a fire flickering in this fallen man. _

_Ivan's eyes were pulled from the beauty on the ground to the sounds coming from behind the man. He could see Kiku advancing. Looking down at Yao, he held his hand out and asked, "You wish to live, da?"_

_Yao looked up and nodded. Reaching out his hand, Yao took Ivan's hand. Ivan pulled him up and held him close. "I will protect you, da. Do not worry."_

Yao had followed him. Yao did as he bid. Yao became more than just another country in his home. Ivan felt for him what he'd never felt for another. Ivan saw in Yao a future that he'd never bothered to look for...never bothered to see.

The water ran pink into the drain below Ivan. The stinging of the cuts did not compare with the deep wounds of his soul.

"_Vanya...I love you, aru. You know that, right?" Yao kissed his knuckles. _

_Ivan smiled, "Of course, I do. I love you, too." Ivan removed his hand and wrapped his arms around Yao. "And that is why you will stay with me always, da?"_

"_Yes, Vanya. I will stay with you always."_

Ivan through his head back and screamed in to the spray of falling water. He promised. He did. And he was leaving. Warm tears mixed with the cooling water. Ivan slammed his stinging hands against the wall of the shower, dropping his head, Ivan allowed the tears to fall. "I love you so much..." Ivan's words were racked with sobs.

_Yao's hands trembled and he bit his lip. Jerking awake he barely muffled a scream. It was another of those dreams. Ivan knew them well. Ivan sat up and wrapped his arms around him and cradled him to his chest. "Tell me about it, Yao."_

_Yao's forehead was slick with cold sweat, his hair hung limply, his breath was tinged with the barely contained sobs. Yao shook his head. He did not want to talk. _

"_You know you can tell me, Yao. I will listen." Ivan dropped his head and pressed his lips to the top of Yao's head. _

_The tears began to fall. "I-ivan. He...he wasn't like this. He-he was my little bro-ther. And no-now, he seems s-so he-hell bent on des-stroying me. I-" Yao began to sob loudly._

_Ivan knew this dream. This was the one that was also a memory. What could be done about the past. Kiku had made his bed and in doing so he'd nearly destroyed the one person that cared about him. Ivan ran his hand over Yao's back. Yao carried many scars but none hurt him as much as the scar that Kiku gave him. _

_There wasn't much that Ivan could do, but hold him and wait for the screaming and crying to die out. Ivan continued to kiss Yao's head and rub his back._

Ivan straightened himself up. Turning off the water, he stepped out of the shower. Slowly, he peeled his remaining clothes off and dropped them to the floor. Naked, crossed into his room and began to carefully dry himself off with a towel.

With his body dried, Ivan began to collect the first aide materials. Opening a drawer, he saw Yao's clothing. Picking up an item, he buried his face into it. The cloth still held the sharp spice that was Yao's scent. Ivan rubbed his face on the shirt.

_Ivan ran to the bay window in the back of the house. He knew Yao would be there. Yao was always there in the middle of the day with his tea. "Yao!"_

_Yao barely had enough time to set his tea down before Ivan's arms were wrapped around his body and picking him up. "Hello, Vanya."_

_Ivan placed the smalled man back onto his perch. 'I brought you something. I think you will like this!"_

_Yao looked at Ivan's twinkling lavender eyes and raised a slender eyebrow. Ivan pushed a box into his lap and prompted him to open it. Yao gently removed the lid of the box. Peering inside, noticed the bright red fabric. Pulling it out, he was pleased to discover a smoking jacket. While Yao did not smoke, he did love smoking jackets. This one in particular was red with golden embroidery. _

_Yao looked up at Ivan and smiled, "I love it! Thank you, Vanya."_

Ivan's eyes began to burn again. Throwing the jacket to the floor, he picked up the first aide kit and sat on his bed. Bandaging the cuts and wounds, Ivan heard someone walk to the door. Expecting it to Ravis or Toris, he did not answer the accompanying knock. With his back to the opening door, "I am not in the mood to be bothered. Please shut the door and leave."

Hearing the door shut, Ivan continued to bandage himself. "You never did know how to do this right."

Ivan nearly dropped the bandages turning around. "Y-yao...what are you doing here?"

Yao, too, was bandaged. Gauze on his face covering wounds to his forehead and cheek. His forearms and wrists were bandaged, and he moved with a slight limp. "Do I not still live here, aru?"

Ivan nodded. Yao crossed the room and took the bandages from Ivan, "Let me." He sighed.

Ivan sat there letting Yao tend to the wound that he'd inflicted upon him. "Vanya..."

"No! Do not call me that...not now...not after this." Ivan motioned to both of their current states.

Yao finished bandaging Ivan's arms and torso. "Listen to me. I know that this is not the best time for us...but I want you to know that I do love you...Vanya."

Ivan's eyes slid closed and he dropped his head. "Please...," he whispered, "if you are leaving...please do not do this...," Tears began to drop again, " I can not handle this..."

A knock startled Ivan. Looking up, he noticed though his torso and arms were bandaged and he sat on his bed naked, he was alone.

The door opened a crack, "Russia-san...are you ok? I heard you talking to yourself. Do you need any help?"

It was Toris. It was always Toris. "No, thank you."

Toris nodded, "If you do, I am but a call away, Russia-san." The door closed and his footsteps retreated.

Ivan noticed, though he was bandaged and no longer bleeding, there was a deeper pain. One that he knew he'd never be able to heal. Ivan crossed to his bedroom window. Opening the curtains, he looked up at the moon, "Yao. No matter how far this goes...I still love you...."

A.N.!: And there you have it. Another RussiaxChina fic.


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